Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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