well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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