why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
