why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
