Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
