My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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