The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
