i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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