quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
