girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
