You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Alive.
So much puke
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
