Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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