Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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