he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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