did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Be still, my beating vagina.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
