He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
