Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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