We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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