To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
