I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
