You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
one two three fourrrrnication!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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