Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Drunk is not a location!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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