the condom got lost in my hair
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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