On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
did i just pee glitter
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
