I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
