the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
