a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
