the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
