do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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