she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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