fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
