I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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