are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize