I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My ass is underappreciated
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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