I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
