I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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