I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
