I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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