Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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