I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
