I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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