clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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