I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize