I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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