There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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