the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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