dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
someone owes me an orgasm
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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