Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
