It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize