my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
