Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Come share oat with me in your robe
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
