Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
