He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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