i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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