Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
