stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Randomize
