You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
