watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
