I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
